The Young Visiters or, Mr. Salteena's Plan (Illustrated by Enrico Conti) Read online

  True replied Bernard but I understand there are sort of students there who want to get into the War Office and notable banks.

  Would that be a help asked Mr Salteena egerly.

  Well it might said Bernard I can give you a letter to my old pal the Earl of Clincham who lives there he might rub you up and by mixing with him you would probably grow more seemly.

  Oh ten thousand thanks said Mr Salteena I will go there as soon as it can be arranged if you would be so kind as to keep an eye on Ethel while I am away.

  Oh yes said Bernard I may be running up to town for a few days and she could come too.

  You are too kind said Mr Salteena and I dont think you will find her any trouble.

  No I dont think I shall said Bernard she is a pretty girl cheerful and active. And he blushed rarther red.

  Chapter 05

  Picture 5: Ethel Monticue

  THE CRYSTAL PALACE

  About 9 oclock next morning Mr Salteena stood bag in hand in the ancestle hall waiting for the viacle to convay him to the station. Bernard Clark and Ethel were seated side by side on a costly sofa gazing abstractly at the parting guest. Horace had dashed off to put on his cocked hat as he was going in the baroushe but Francis Minnit was roaming about the hall well prepared for any deed.

  Well said Bernard puffing at his meershum pipe I hope you will get on Alf I am sure you have that little letter to old Clincham eh

  In deed I have said Mr Salteena many thanks for the same and I do hope Ethel will behave properly.

  Oh yes I expect she will said Bernard with a sigh.

  I always do said Ethel in a snappy tone.

  Just then there was a great clatter outside and the sound of hoofs and a loud neigh. The barouche I take it said Bernard rising slowly.

  Quite correct sir said Minnit flinging wide the portles.

  Well goodbye Alf old man said Bernard Clark good luck and God bless you he added in a pius tone.

  Not at all said Mr Salteena I have enjoyed my stop which has been short and sweet well goodbye Ethel my child he said as bag in hand he proceeded to the door. Francis Minnit bowed low and handed a small parcel to Mr Salteena a few sandwighs for the jorney sir he remarked.

  Oh this is most kind said Mr Salteena.

  Minnit closed his eyes with a tired smile. Not kind sir he muttered quite usual.

  Oh really said Mr Salteena feeling rather flabergasted well goodbye my good fellow and he slipped 2/6 into the butlers open palm.

  Mr Salteena had to travel first class as active Horace ran on to buy the ticket which he presented with a low bow the Times and Tit-Bits. Oh many thanks my man said Mr Salteena in a most airy voice now will you find me a corner seat in the train eh.

  If there is one sir replied Horace.

  In got Mr Salteena to his first class carrage surrounded by his luggage carefully piled up by kindly Horace. The other pasengers looked full of envy at the curly white wig and green plush uniform of Horace. Mr Salteena crossed his legs in a lordly way and flung a fur rug over his knees though he was hot enough in all consciunce. He began to feel this was the thin end of the partition and he smiled as he gently tapped the letter in his coat tail pocket. When Mr Salteena arrived in London he began to strolle up the principle streets thinking how gay all was. Presently he beheld a resterant with a big Menu outside and he went boldly in.

  It was a sumpshous spot all done up in gold with plenty of looking glasses. Many hansome ladies and gentlemen were already partaking of choice food and rich wines and whiskey and the scene was most lively. Mr Salteena had a little whiskey to make him feel more at home. Then he eat some curry to the tune of a merry valse on the band. He beat time to the music and smiled kindly at the waiters and he felt very excited inside. I am seeing life with a vengance he muttered to himself as he paid his bill at the desk. Outside Mr Salteena found a tall policeman. Could you direct me to the Crystale Pallace if you please said Mr Salteena nervously.

  Well said the geniul policeman my advice would be to take a cab sir.

  Oh would it said Mr Salteena then I will do so.

  He hailed a Hansome and got speedily in to the Crystal Palace he cried gaily and holding his bag on his knees he prepared to enjoy the sights of the Metropilis. It was a merry drive and all too soon the Palace heaved in view. Mr Salteena sprang out and paid the man and then he entered the wondrous edifice. His heart beat very fast as two huge men in gold braid flung open the doors. Inside was a lovely fountain in the middle and all round were little stalls where you could buy sweets and lemonade also scent handkerchiefs and many dainty articles. There were a lot of peaple but nobody very noteable.

  At last after buying two bottles of scent and some rarther nice sweets which stuck to his teeth Mr Salteena beheld a wooden door on which was nailed a notice saying To the Privite Compartments.

  Ah ha said Mr Salteena to himself this is evidently my next move, and he gently pushed open the door straitening his top hat as he did so. Inside he found himself in a dimly lit passage with a thick and handsom carpet. Mr Salteena gazed round and beheld in the gloom a very superier gentleman in full evening dress who was reading a newspaper and warming his hands on the hot water pipes. Mr Salteena advanced on tiptoe and coughed gently as so far the gentleman had paid no attention. However at the second cough he raised his eyes in a weary fashion. do you want anything he asked in a most noble voice.

  Mr Salteena got very flustered. Well I am seeking the Earl of Clincham he began in a trembly voice are you by any chance him he added most respectfully.

  No not exacktly replied the other my name happens to be Edward Procurio. I am half italian and I am the Groom of the Chambers.

  What chambers asked Mr Salteena blinking his eyes.

  These said Edward Procurio waving a thin arm.

  Mr Salteena then noticed several red doors with names of people on each one. Oh I see he said then perhaps you can tell me where the Earl of Clincham is to be found.

  At the end of the passage fourth door down said Procurio tritely of course he may be out one never knows what they are up to.

  I suppose not said Mr Salteena in an interested tone.

  One can not gamble on anything really said Procurio returning to the hot water pipes though of course I know a lot more than most peaple about the inmates here.

  What are the habbits of the Earl of Clincham said Mr Salteena.

  Procurio gave a smile many and varius he replied I cant say much in my position but one lives and learns. He heaved a sigh and shruged his shoulders.

  Well good day said Mr Salteena feeling better for the chat.

  Procurio nodded in silence as Mr Salteena trotted off down the passage. At last he came to a door labelled Clincham Earl of in big letters. With a beating heart Mr Salteena pulled the bell and the door swung open of its own accord. At the same moment a cheery voice rang out from the distance. Come in please I am in the study first door on left.

  With a nervous bound Mr Salteena obeyd these directions and found himself in a small but handsome compartment done in dark green lether with crests on the chairs. Over the mantlepiece was hung the painting of a lady in a low neck looking quite the thing. By the desk was seated a tall man of 35 with very nice eyes of a twinkly nature and curly hair he wore a quite plain suit of palest grey but well made and on the table reposed a grey top hat which had evidently been on his head recently. He had a rose in his button hole also a signet ring.

  Hullo said this pleasant fellow as Mr. Salteena was spell bound on mat.

  Hullo your Lord Ship responded our hero bowing low and dropping his top hat do I adress the Earl of Clincham.

  You do said the Earl with a homely smile and who do I adress eh.

  Our hero bowed again Alfred Salteena he said in deep tones.

  Oh I see said the kindly earl well come in my man and tell me who you are.

  Mr Salteena seated himself gingerly on the edge of a creste
d chair.

  To tell you the truth my Lord I am not anyone of import and I am not a gentleman as they say he ended getting very red and hot.

  Have some whiskey said lord Clincham and he poured the liquid into a glass at hiselbow. Mr. Salteena lapped it up thankfully.

  Well my man said the good natured earl what I say is what dose it matter we cant all be of the Blood royal can we.

  No said Mr Salteena but I suppose you are.

  Lord Clincham waved a careless hand. A small portion flows in my viens he said but it dose not worry me at all and after all he added piously at the Day of Judgement what will be the odds.

  Mr Salteena heaved a sigh. I was thinking of this world he said.

  Oh I see said the Earl but my own idear is that these things are as piffle before the wind.

  Not being an earl I cant say answered our hero but may I beg you to read this letter my Lord. He produced Bernards note from his coat tails. The Earl of Clincham took it in his long fingers. This is what he read.

  My dear Clincham

  The bearer of this letter is an old friend of mine not quite the right side of the blanket as they say in fact he is the son of a first rate butcher but his mother was a decent family called Hyssopps of the Glen so you see he is not so bad and is desireus of being the correct article. Could you rub him up a bit in Socierty ways. I dont know much details about him but no doubt he will supply all you need. I am keeping well and hope you are. I must run up to the Compartments one day and look you up.

  Yours as ever your faithfull friend

  Bernard Clark.

  The Earl gave a slight cough and gazed at Mr Salteena thourghtfully.

  Have you much money he asked and are you prepared to spend a good deal.

  Oh yes quite gasped Mr Salteena I have plenty in the bank and £10 in ready gold in my purse.

  You see these compartments are the haunts of the Aristockracy said the earl and they are kept going by peaple who have got something funny in their family and who want to be less mere if you can comprehend.

  Indeed I can said Mr Salteena.

  Personally I am a bit parshial to mere people said his Lordship but the point is that we charge a goodly sum for our training here but however if you cant pay you need not join.

  I can and will proclaimed Mr Salteena and he placed a £10 note on the desk. His Lordship slipped it in his trouser pocket. It will be £42 before I have done with you he said but you can pay me here and there as convenient.

  Oh thankyou cried Mr Salteena.

  Not at all said the Earl and now to bissness. While here you will live in compartments in the basement known as Lower Range. You will get many hints from the Groom of the Chambers as to clothes and ettiquett to menials. You will mix with me for grammer and I might take you out hunting or shooting sometimes to give you a few tips. Also I have lots of ladies partys which you will attend occasionally.

  Mr Salteenas eyes flashed with excitement. I shall enjoy that he cried.

  His Lordship coughed loudly. You may not marry while under instruction he said firmly.

  Oh I shall not need to thankyou said Mr Salteena.

  You must also decide on a profeshion said his Lordship as your instruction will vary according.

  Could I be anything at Buckingham Pallace said Mr Salteena with flashing eyes.

  Oh well I dont quite know said the noble earl but you might perhaps gallopp beside the royal baroushe if you care to try.

  Oh indeed I should cried Mr Salteena I am very fond of fresh air and royalties.

  Well said the earl with a knowing smile I might arrange it with the prince of Wales who I am rarther intimate with.

  Not really gasped Mr Salteena.

  Dear me yes remarked the earl carelessly and if we decide for you to gallopp by the royal viacle you must be mesured for some plush knickerbockers at once.

  Mr Salteena glanced at his rarther fat legs and sighed.

  Well I must go out now and call on a few Dowigers said his Lordship picking up his elegent top hat. Well au revoir he added with a good french accent.

  Adieu my Lord cried Mr Salteena not to be out done we meet anon I take it.

  Not till tomorrow answered the earl you will now proceed to the lower regions where you will no doubt find tea. He nodded kindly and glided out in silence.

  Here I will end my chapter.

  Chapter 06

  HIGH LIFE

  Picture 6: Bernard Clark

  Mr Salteena awoke next morning in his small but pleasant room. It was done in green and white with Monagrams on the toilit set. He had a tiny white bed with a green quilt and a picture of the Nativaty and one of Windsor Castle on the walls. The sun was shining over all these things as Mr Salteena opened his sleepy eyes. Just then there was rat tat on the door. Come in called Mr Salteena and in came Edward Procurio ballancing a tray very cleverly. He looked most elegant with his shiny black hair and pale yellow face and half shut eyes. He smiled in a very mystearious and superier way as he placed the tray on Mr Salteenas pointed knees.

  Your early beverage he announced and began to pull up the blinds still smiling to himself.

  Oh thankyou cried Mr Salteena feeling very towzld compared to this grand fellow. Then to his great supprise Procurio began to open the wardrobe and look at Mr Salteenas suits making italian exclamations under his breath. Mr Salteena dare not say a word so he swollowed his tea and eat a Marie biscuit hastilly. Presently Procurio advanced to the bed with a bright blue serge suit. Will you wear this today sir he asked quietly.

  Oh certainly said Mr Salteena.

  And a clean shirt would not come amiss said Procurio what about this pale blue and white stripe.

  With pleashure replied Mr Salteena. So Procurio laid them out in neat array also a razer and brush for shaving. Then he opened a door saying This is the bath room shall I turn on hot or cold.

  I dont mind said Mr Salteena feeling very hot and ignorant.

  It is best for you to decide sir said Procurio firmly.

  Well I will try cold said Mr Salteena feeling it was more manly to say that. Procurio bowed and beat a retreat to the bath room. Then he returned and told Mr. Salteena that when he was washed he would find his breakfast in the sitting room. When Mr Salteena was dressed in his best blue suit and clean shirt he stroled into the sitting room where a gay canary was singing fit to burst in the window and a copple of doves cooing in a whicker cage. A cheery smell greeted him as Procurio glided in with some steaming coffie. Mr Salteena felt more at home and passed a few remarks about the weather. Procurio smiled and uncovered some lovely kidnys on toast and as he did so bent and whispered in Mr Salteenas ear you could have come in in your dressing gown.

  Mr Salteena gave a start. Oh can I he said ten thousand thanks.

  Then Procurio passed out and Mr Salteena finnished his kidneys and chiruped to the birds and had a cigarette from a handsome purple box which he found on the desk. Then Procurio entered once more and with a bow said. His lordship is going to a levie this morning and thinks it might amuse you to go too. Could you be ready by 11 oclock.

  Oh yes what fun said Mr Salteena have you any notion what a levie is my man.

  Procurio gave a superier smile. It is a party given by the Queen to very superier peaple but this one is given by the Prince of Wales as the Queen is not quite her usual self today. It will be at Buckingham palace so you will drive with his lordship.

  Mr Salteena was fearfully excited. What shall I weare he gasped.

  Well of course you ought to have black satin knickerbockers and a hat with white feathers also garters and a star or two.

  You supprise me said Mr Salteena I have none of those articles.

  Well said Procurio kindly his lordship will lend you his second best cocked hat as you are obliged to wear one and I think with a little thourght I might rig you up so as to pass muster.

  Then they rumaged among Mr Sal
teenas things and Procurio got very intelligent and advised Mr Salteena to were his black evening suit and role up his trousers. He also lent him a pair of white silk stockings which he fastened tightly round his knees with red rosettes. Then he quickly cut out a star in silver paper and pinned it to his chest and also added a strip of red ribbon across his shirt front. Then Mr Salteena survayed himself in the glass. Is it a fancy dress party he asked.

  No they always were that kind of thing but wait till you see his Lordship—if you are ready sir I will conduct you in.

  Mr Salteena followed Procurio up countless stairs till they came to the Earls compartments and tapped on the bedroom door.

  Come in cried a merry voice and in they strode.

  I have done my best with Mr Salteena my lord I trust he will do the hat of course will make a deal of diffrence.

  Mr Salteena bowed nervously wishing he had got correct knickerbockers as his trousers did not feel too firm in spite of the garters.

  Not half bad cried the earl try on the hat Salteena it is on my bed. Mr Salteena placed it on his head and the feathers and gold braid became him very well but he felt very jellous of the earl who looked a sight for the gods. He had proper satin knickerbockers with diamond clasps and buckled shoes and black silk stockings which showed up his long fine legs. He had a floppy shirt of softist muslin with real lace collar and cuffs. A sword hung at his side and a crimson sash was round his waist and a splendid cocked hat on his head. His blue eyes twinkled as he pulled on a pair of white kid gloves.

  Well come on Salteena he cried and dont be nervus I will get you a pair of knickers tomorrow. Will you get a hansome Procurio.

  Presently the earl and Mr Salteena were clattering away to Buckingham palace.

  You wont mind if I introduce you as Lord Hyssops do you said the earl as he lit his pipe. You see you are sort of mixed up with the family so it wont matter and will look better.

  So it would said Mr Salteena what do we do at the levie.